Cheated and Cheated On

This is kind of a difficult post to write because it stirs up a lot of different emotions from when things were tough. I am definitely in a better place now because I’ve learned to accept the things that have happened and made my peace with it. If it never happened, I probably would not be the person I am today.

So I’ve been in two different situations with two different people, at different points in my life. Both these cases aren’t connected. Cheating is a tough subject, I didn’t think it is right and a for a long time I figured it was black and white. But I believe there is a gray area when it comes to cheating. The first time I got cheated on was when I was young, and I thought I was in love. I didn’t want to believe it because I never thought he was capable of it. I hated the girl more than my ex at the time because I blamed her. I thought, “how could she do this to another girl?” or “what if it happened to her.” I just couldn’t believe another girl would be with someone that was with someone else. It just never made any sense to me, and I couldn’t even wait to hear him out at the time and ended things as quickly as possible. From then on, I had so much hate for people that cheated. It drove me crazy that people could do that to someone they cared about, someone they loved. What was the point in being with someone then?

But as time went on I was put in another situation for a short period where I was the girl the guy cheated with. I mean at the time I made excuses because I didn’t think it was wrong. He said he never loved her and they weren’t together. I guess a part of me wanted what he said to be true, so I didn’t feel guilty. Somehow him telling me that they weren’t in love made things okay for me. Now that I look back at it I don’t know how I feel about cheating. I mean, it was wrong, and I was responsible for the choices I made, but like my ex, this guy chose to go outside his relationship. I think girls tend to get mad more at the people their significant other cheated with rather than their significant other. Maybe it is because a part of them wants to believe their BF/GF wouldn’t do that to them. Maybe they think that they were manipulated into cheating by the other person, sometimes, they end up blaming themselves.Right now, I don’t think cheating is black/white anymore. I believe there is a gray area we are missing and things aren’t always so clear. There’s a lot of different reasons why people go outside their relationships, and I don’t think it is right. But sometimes things are meant to happen the way they are, even though I got cheated on, I got back up, I moved on, I got over it. I didn’t blame myself anymore; he made the choice he did, and it didn’t have anything to do with me. In one way or another, we are all a little broken because of the things that have happened to us. It doesn’t mean we will stay that way forever; we always have the ability to decide how much something can affect us.

 

Mary Jane

This post might be a little bias but here’s my view on smoking marijuana in this day and age. Full disclosure, I smoke weed from time to time depending on my mood, if I’m home not doing much or going to watch a funny movie I’ll get high. It also helps me sleep at night because I suffer from insomnia. Anyway, this post is basically about the stigma around smoking weed. Historically smoking marijuana is associated with “hippies” or failures, it’s always been frowned upon and perceived as a gateway drug. I just don’t think it’s accurate or fair. I mean if you saw me you would never think I get high. I just don’t fit into that “stereotype” people are genuinely surprised when they find out that I smoke. Why is it viewed his way? I mean there are things much worse out there than smoking weed. I’m not stupid about it, and I don’t ever feel like I can’t live without it either. So all these perceptions on how it is “bad” and you are a “bad” person if you smoke is just bullshit. I’ve found many times my friends telling me “oh you should stop” or “you gotta quit it” or “you are going to get addicted” like its ridiculous. People can be social drinkers but can’t be an occasional smoker? I mean we still let people smoke cigarettes publicly, but if you are caught with a joint you are in trouble? Is that fair? Now that it is legalized in most places it is not as bad as it used to be but people still have these stereotypes on people that do use marijuana.

I understand there are many studies about the negative and positive effects of marijuana on the brain/body over time. But what we aren’t considering is, these studies are based on individuals within the past 10-20 years. If you think about it, marijuana was never regulated back then, so the stuff they smoked or used wasn’t always the best quality or checked. It never went through any screening methods so who knows what they were smoking back then? So are the studies accurate? I mean to each their opinion, but I just don’t think it is fair to completely associate marijuana with drugs such as cocaine, meth, etc. I’m not saying it is right for you but is alcohol? Why is it bad if people use it as an activity or just to have a little fun from time to time? We have to learn to avoid these negative perceptions and open our minds.

First Love

I learned a lot about what love is supposed to be growing up from tv, family and around me. So here’s a story about the time I found love and how it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

The first time I truly fell for someone was in when I was about 15 or 16 with a guy I would’ve never pictured myself with under any circumstance. But hey, I guess that’s what they mean by ‘you can’t pick who you fall in love with’ eh? Anyway, we started out as friends, and it naturally grew into something more with time. At that age just knowing someone that understood me was enough for me to feel head over heels. He also really listened to me and made me feel beautiful no matter how I looked.

But as time went by I slowly found out what it felt like to be betrayed by someone you were in love with. I mean at the time it felt like it was the end of the world. But I moved on eventually focusing more on school, friends and spending time with my family. I finally formed a group with some amazing people that got me through quite a bit. I mean the guy I ended up falling for was one of the most popular guys in the city. Naturally, people knew about us, and I ended up being one of the girl’s he dated.

Over time, and starting at a new school; my first love was behind me, and I was ready for new beginnings. However, growing up in a small town means you are bound to run into each other at one point or another. Since we had a lot of mutual friends and minimum amount of places to hang out, this happened quite a bit. Seeing him every time made my heart sink, I felt happy and sad at the same time. But I could never get over the betrayal and my I had some great people looking after me, explaining the reasons he wasn’t right for me.

As you can imagine, our friends can tell us no a thousand times.. but we are going to end up doing what we want anyways. After a couple of years, I finally agreed to go on a date with him again. I told myself I had become more mature and this was going to be some closure. But it wasn’t, we ended up back together a few dates later and starting spending all our time together. But it wasn’t always healthy; we had a lot of fights, arguments, and unrealistic ideas regarding our future together. Breaking up this time was tough because we were older and we both knew there was no future. For some reason, we kept lying to ourselves. We constantly kept fighting for each other despite knowing it was not woking out. He then made the decision to go outside of what was left of our relationship to find something else. I didn’t end up finding out till after we broke up but it hurt quite a bit when I did. I mean I didn’t want to believe it because we always did this.

But believe it or not, I don’t think I regret him even though we ended on horrible terms. I mean because of him I started to feel confident again, I started challenging myself, I started making decisions about my future and helped me figure out what I want in my life. I mean the bad part sucked, but there were also good times where I was able to learn more about myself and grow up. He’ll never know this, but in a lot of ways, he made me a better person. So if you are ever in a situation where you think you might’ve wasted time or you did something you regret, don’t. You are meant to go through individual experiences to learn more about yourself. Although it may be bad, in the big picture, you will be able to see how much you have evolved due to your experiences!

 

Friendships

Throughout my life, I’ve met and let go a numerous amount of people due to some type of falling out or just drifted apart. Either way, I was forced to learn the lesson that not everyone will always be there no matter what, despite the “Friends Forever” promises. When I was younger things were easier, the things I would get into arguments about would be over silly things but as I got older things got more real. I saw what people are capable off despite what they have shown me over the years. It was somewhat scary because you never expect someone so close to you to hurt you. Especially when it is people that you thought were close to you. Its a tough thing to grasp because that realization is tough growing up.

One of my best friends I grew up with ended up being one of the worst people I’ve ever encountered in my life. I guess I should’ve seen it coming because I was aware of how nasty she was to other people behind their back. I just never expected for her to do the same thing to me which is pretty naive eh? Anyway, she ended up showing me who she was and I had to face my new reality. I could’ve gone down to her level and made things difficult for her, but I chose the high road. I’m a strong believer in karma, and I think everyone should be too. Because that shit is real man, I’ve seen it happen to people first hand. So if you ever feel like someone “got away” with something they did to you, don’t worry! Karma always comes around no matter who or what. Anyway, as I got older, I started seeing different reasons why friendships change. Like getting a new boyfriend can have an influence or the type of career you choose and sometimes because you start to see what horrible people they turned out to be.

I have a pretty open mind when it comes to things; I think it is because I can empathize with people quickly and understand their perspective. Not everyone is like that, though, I’ve had friends that have judged people to their core and made people feel horrible for their choices or ways they chose to find their way in the world. I’m here to tell you not to do that to someone. Everyone has their path in this world, who are you to judge which one they choose? I mean just because you have different views doesn’t mean another person’s opinion is wrong. I’ve seen this happen plenty of times and seen so many friendships fall apart because of it. I mean as long as they aren’t forcing their choices on you, it shouldn’t matter. A good friend will support their friends no matter what despite what choices they make or path they take. If it is different than the one you would choose, it makes you open to new ideas and things. Respect people. Respect their choices. Respect their journey in this world. You’ll be surprised how much better your life will be if you are open to new things. Don’t judge other people based on your beliefs; you don’t know what they have been through or why they are choosing it. It’s just not your place in this world to judge anyone. Hold onto your friendships, be there for your friends and support them no matter what, because you’ll be surprised at the choices you end up making as you get older. We all evolve in different ways, and it’s not always a bad thing. 🙂

Another Year

So in a few weeks, I will be another year older. I’m not sure if I always liked birthdays or not, I mean.. I liked it a lot when I was younger because it meant hitting certain milestones. Like, being 18 and buying a lottery ticket or being legal at 19 and I guess 21 is just a year to party and be young? Throughout the years I was kinda where I wanted to be in my life, like working towards my goals. In school, dating (sometimes), trying new things, working in my field, so I was never really worried when my birthday approached. However this year, it’s fast approaching, and I’m terrified. There were certain things I told myself I would accomplish by this age. I’m a planner. I mean I know it’s stupid to plan, I’ve heard it many times.

But how do you work towards something without having some sort of a plan outlined? Which is why I planned. I planned BIG, I planned very optimistically, and I planned very unrealistically. Things aren’t the way I wanted it to be. I feel like the last two years just flew by and way too fast I couldn’t even catch my breath. I mean I guess you shouldn’t aim too high? Or should you? I don’t know. I’m kinda torn on where I stand. I see everyone around me achieving all these amazing things and building something real, and I feel like I lost my way somehow. I don’t know how I did, but I did. I’ve always been pessimistic, though, and I tend to dwell on certain things that just doesn’t matter. I think it is because I used to be optimistic at one point but I’ve always ended up disappointed. I mean I “optimistically” made this amazing plan for “5 years” and it didn’t go the way that I wanted it to, but I guess it is all part of a bigger plan? A plan that is even greater than mine that was outlined for me even before I outlined my plan? Could be right? I mean in this day and age we gotta have faith in something like that or we would all go nuts!

I think I’ll try to embrace the next few weeks in an optimistic way, and find some way to accept the things I don’t have control over. Being okay with “just going with the flow” is going to be hard, but I think I have tackled bigger things. Maybe going through this disappointment phase will make me appreciate when things start to get better. Maybe it’s a way for me to say humble and down to earth. I mean when we all go through this stuff that happens to us (good/bad) I think it adds character to who we are and how we portray ourselves. It makes us all unique in one way, and same in others. Our experiences end up moulding us to who we end up becoming. So I guess what I want to finish saying is that you should plan, plan big or small or anyway you want to, because I’d rather aim high and be a little disappointed than aim low and be a little happy. I mean the disappointment has given me a reality check and had encouraged me to work towards something even harder so I’m not disappointed next time. 🙂

Me, Myself & I

I feel alone right now. I’ve never felt this way before, maybe I have but I seemed to mask it up one way or another. I have made some choices that I had to make for my own sanity. But how do I know if I made the right choices? Am I lying to myself thinking it is the right choice? Is it wrong? What am I doing? I’ve lost everything.. almost. How did I let one person dictate and effect my life this much? Where and when did I decide I am less important? When did my needs become someone else’s? How do I escape the mistakes from 5 years ago. Feels like I am destructive and harmful to those around me.. why do I bring so much negativity to life not just mine but everyone else’s. Why am I doing the things that I am doing? What satisfaction do I get out of it?

Who am I keeping scores with? Are they doing the same thing or am I just being petty and delusional. How am I hiding the things I know without telling anyone a single thing? Does this make me crazy or does everyone do it? Keep things to themselves forever? How do they do it? Do they think about it the way I do? How do you get away from this feeling? This feeling of sadness and despair. How do I get away from all of this without losing my sanity? I’ve alienated everyone, I don’t like letting people in because I have never really trusted anyone to ever be fully honest with them. I have not been honest with anyone about anything because I don’t want anyone knowing the things I feel or do. I like having this anonymity from people that don’t really know what I feel.

I don’t like people knowing if I am sad or angry or just lonely. I keep that shit to myself and put on a face for the world because they don’t deserve to see me that way.  It will always be kept inside me locked up never accessible. I make the rules. No one will ever make the rules when it comes to me because no one will ever control me other than myself again. I’ve let people in, I’ve believed in people. I’ve trusted whole heartedly but it never lasted. No one ever came through. They all lied and betrayed me because it was what suited them. I was naïve then, sheltered.. hoped to see the better side of people. To this day I can say I haven’t. Don’t trust anyone.. they will throw you under the bus if it benefits them. This includes family and even the people you feel were the closest things to you. The only person you really have forever is you. Be true to you and do whatever makes you happy because you are not accountable to anyone. Fuck em all. You deserve better friends, boyfriends and even family. You care genuinely. You love genuinely and you still look for that little hope of goodness in people. Just don’t hold your breath. Its not worth it. Being lonely is a price you have to pay for never having to deal with betrayal ever again.

Firsts

All throughout our lives we go through a lot of firsts. First time you walk, first words, first time you ride a bike. Then we go through our first fight with our best friend in pre k or the first time you win something. When we get older we go through some harsher firsts such as your first heart ache or the first time you see the disappointment in your Dad’s eyes when you come home after curfew. Firsts are important, the good and the bad because it brings us out of our comfort zones and teach us little lessons. However, in my opinion I think seconds and thirds are more important.. mainly because, the second time is when you move on from the first failed attempt and push yourself. Like putting yourself out there even though you already got your heart broken in high school by the guy everyone loved. We put a lot of emphasis on firsts but never recognize how important seconds are too! Sometimes pushing yourself to finally come out of your comfort zone for the second time after the first time didn’t work out means more than the first.